War of Nerves
by Atheniandream
Summary: The floodgates are opening again...
1. Default Chapter

Title: War of Nerves 1/2  
  
Author: Athena.   
  
Email: atheniandream@aol.com  
  
Content Warnings: Angst, drama  
  
Pairings: SJ  
  
Spoilers. None I think  
  
Season: Seven  
  
Rating: PG-13 Maybe more.  
  
Summary: The Floodgates are opening again...   
  
Author's notes: Sorry not Beta'd.  
  
Archive: Anywhere. I'm my own publicist.   
  
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING. I know this.  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
War of Nerves  
  
Of late, there's been too much tension and too much hate encompassing two individuals. Their job, as it states is one of which holds the largest amount of responsibility and therefore in order to obey the system and act in a professional manner and in accordance with 'the rules'; both sadly have had to resist and endure all that holds painful and suspended like a floating air around them-their emotions.   
  
But now, after seven years of obliteration of self, finally they're starting to break. They are starting to falter, and *it*, that feeling when you realize a truth that you hold near your heart, is starting to erupt; it has started pour onto those around them, hatefully brandishing friends and loved ones who rise in their path. And the pain inside one Samantha Carter's chest is enough to break her will and banish her belief that heroes wishes are repaid. And one Jonathon O'Neill is growing grumpier and more hostile by the minute to points of conflict with in the ranks.  
  
And most people have never dreamed of imagining what happens, when wishes aren't' granted, and passions aren't displayed and tension, isn't relieved.  
  
So Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter, are finally breaking? Well, It's comes as welcome news to jealous onlookers to regard their respect with non of theirs, and gossip unjustly about information and secrets passed around their noses, before both objects of discussion have caught a sniff of truth to read from.  
  
Everybody knows it.  
  
Both of them; they know it.  
  
The eyes around them, known or stranger, know of it.  
  
There's not a man or woman on the base who doesn't; but unfortunate for them, it's starting to become a problem.  
  
And that's it. What is the problem?  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Daniel Jackson was starting to get a tad annoyed of the man opposite him, who had been mumbling incoherent rants for the last half hour, and who was right now, choosing to scratch his nose and snarl at him with objectionable distaste at every comment that came from his mouth.  
  
"Jack would you stop it?" He finally broke.  
  
Jack looked up, refusing to change the reflection in his eyes, merely seeming high-pitched as he replied "What? Whatever Danny..." And then went back to his more appealing frown.  
  
"I mean it Jack. You're being so...hostile at the moment," Feeling the edge of his comment draw to a tirade, he lifted a finger, knowing that he was the only one besides Teal'c that could bring the Colonel's current attitude to a halt; and so he continued, lessening his temper slightly. "Look Jack. Is there something you want to talk to us about?" He motioned his finger between Teal'c and himself as they watched for a reaction.  
  
A reaction, which for some obvious reason (although less so at the moment) wasn't quite bubbling to the surface, and halting at his lips with objectionable dislike, producing a bitter-acid wrenching taste in his mouth.  
  
"Nothing." Jack mumbled quickly of the leftover contents of his tray; and then assumed to get up, and with no word left the other two with absolutely no idea what had just gone on- leading to a slight frown and a squint on the part of Teal'c.  
  
"Where's is Major Carter?"  
  
Daniel didn't know the answer to Tealc's question, but he did know one thing. She better have the answers that Jack didn't...other wise they would wind up answering to more important people than their friends, that's for sure.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
So they were ignoring NOT just each other but everyone else as well?  
  
And again no one knew why, how, where or whether things would return to normal. An annoyingly long and flourishing plethora of questions, to which no answers had been place, not quite yet...  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
In the darkness of Sam's lab her head was still hurting. Her forehead felt as if it were banging suicidly against the corner of her workbench, but she knew that the wine (and vodka) she'd slung down her neck the night before was the more 'suicidal' cause. She stuck her tongue out, feeling the after effect that it was currently suffering; slight numbness and an acute distaste resembling sleep deprivation and alcoholism.   
  
"Dammit!" She winced, feeling the small hammer in the hand collide with the thumb of the other, she clenched the end of her thumb as it reddened sore, and then started bruising quickly from the spark that had almost ignited her dying down on the end of the fuse she was holding. She instantly stuck the thumb in her mouth, sucking at the tip and tried to continue her work with one hand until the pain lessened. It had always struck her how childish people were over suck small and insignificant pain, and then when you finally get a staff blast in the stomach, you're in so much shock that you can't feel a thing. Janet had always told her that "The bigger the cut, the smaller the 'baby' ", and she was starting to see the resemblance.   
  
God, did she miss her.  
  
Carter knew grievance more then well enough to know that the kind of healing she wanted would return-in time. The thing that was the most painful, more painful than trying to live without Janet was trying to live with the recognition that she would never again see her best friend. Hear her laugh, joke with her; poke fun and needles, mainly at her. But she HAD gained a little maybe, although marginally. Cassie was now living with her, and although due to Sam's frequent absences, she had no place to go, and had always sought comfort in Sam, thinking of her like a surrogate mother; and their bond helped to soothe their pain in a way. Besides, she was old enough (And ugly enough, by the Colonel's humored remark) to look after herself, and over the last week they had been managing well together.   
  
So, in a way one little burn on her finger was a blessing against all the hurt and sorrow and had fled her life. Not that she was complaining, she wasn't one to remind others of her life, always choosing her father's 'road' by not saying anything at all. And right now...under certain circumstances that she' d rather not discuss, she'd taken the best option.  
  
"Sam?"   
  
Her head flickered toward the door, and she focused the slightly darkened silhouette. Look who it was...   
  
"Daniel." she mumbled, trying to smile for him and settling on a frown. "You alright?" She asked politely, using her burnt thumb to carefully pick up the convenient cup of coffee beside her.  
  
In his absolutely charming and 'Daniel-like' fashion he frowned boyishly, sighing. "I was going to ask you the same thing."   
  
The Pensive strained look could already read a thousand words, so he needn't say anything... "What's going on with you and Jack?"  
  
"Daniel..." She warned, putting down her cup, and instinctively scratching her neck. "...Don't. Not today."  
  
"Look everyone's noticed that there's something wrong, and...Teal'c and I...look we know you don't want to discuss anything," He couldn't help but press the emphasis in the last of his words. "Much to our surprise."  
  
Her eyes rolled at his sarcasm. She really didn't need this right with everything going on and Ja-  
  
"But when it started to affect everything then it has to be sorted out. Sam, I'm not trying to pry, I just-"  
  
"I know Daniel. I *know*." She blinked slowly and her lips pursed a little. The 'saga' playing in her heard was eating at her again...  
  
So, maybe she out to-?  
  
He waited a second or two for her to speak again.  
  
"Not *here*. You fancy going for a walk?"  
  
------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The journey to the winding staircase flows,  
  
And is too far-a-road to travel alone,  
  
And in the blind sight of another, it grows,   
  
You might hope to bask, if known,  
  
In the glorified secrets of one other,   
  
And behold them for your own...   
  
------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"We should appreciate the beauty on earth more."   
  
Daniel mused over the view that they were getting. Gentle pastels gliding through the air, they walked along a ridged, trampled walkway through the forest that lined Cheyenne Mountain. Even though they'd encountered many forests like these, home was still frequently where the heart longed to be. Sam walked quietly beside him, flicking her feet out as she rocked gently in each step that they took, until they reached a bench among a small clearing.  
  
"So, are going to tell me what's going on."  
  
"Yea. But if anyone asks, you beat it out of me." She replied reluctantly with a hint of humor, she smiled slightly before turning to look away.   
  
"I know what they're saying."   
  
Her statement caused Daniel to frown instantly looking at her face for an explanation. "I must have slept with every member of the SGC by now."  
  
Although it seemed a sentence out of the blue, he knew what she meant. "Its just jealousy, Sam. It happens to all four of us. They say it about Teal'c to." He added the last sentence, not sure if it would provoke the humor that Sam had been without of late.  
  
"Well, from what I hear, Teal'c is very 'unmatchable' in they uh, 'Charms' department, if you know what I mean." She replied crudely, giving Daniel a slight smirk that soothed him to push for a little more.  
  
"So. Go on."  
  
"I wasn't dealing with Janet's death in the best way that I could, you know?"  
  
"All too well."  
  
"And, it was weird. All these changes, with Cassie and everything else-" She paused. " I cracked. I faltered and I regretted it."  
  
"What to you mean?" He asked, an increasing frown playing on his forehead.  
  
"I was working late, and I asked the Colonel to spend some time with Cassie, because I knew that once I got home I would have a mountain of his paperwork to do,"  
  
{"Yes Carter?"   
  
"It's only for a few hours Sir. I don't want her to be alone at the moment, but I can't get home right now." Her lips pressed into the phone, humming slightly on the receiver. "Please Sir, you'd be doing me a favor."  
  
She heard the loudest sight on the other end. "Carter, it's fine...go play with your toys."  
  
"Thank you Sir, I owe you one."  
  
"No Carter, you owe me ten. And don't work too hard."  
  
She refused not to smile against the receiver. "Yes Sir." "Oh and Sir?"  
  
"Yes Major?"  
  
"Do not give her beer."  
  
"Yes Mom."}  
  
"He said yeah, and that gave me enough time to clear the work I had. I guess he understood what I was going through,"  
  
"And?"  
  
She paused, sucking in the bottom lip as if she'd forgotten something, and then remembering that she hadn't. "It was late when I got in, and they weren't there. I assumed that they were having fun like two little kids and so I grabbed a glass of wine and settled for the evening. I hadn't eaten all day, so I was tipsy in about five minutes. That was my first mistake, because it got me thinking...about Janet and other things, to which time, I heard her come in,"  
  
{"Sam?" Cassie called from the kitchen, instantly cruising though the house.  
  
Sam removed a tear that had settled on her cheek before Cassie entered the room.  
  
"How was work?" She asked sitting on the sofa next to her.  
  
"Okay. Where'd you go?"   
  
"Only to a Bar."  
  
Nearly swallowing her tongue, Sam fought a little to gain 'parental control' inside. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Joking. Jack told me to say that, he thought it'd be funny."  
  
"Oh. Did you have fun?"  
  
"Yea, we saw a movie. Why is it, that people automatically think that when an older guy walks with a teenage girl that there's something 'law-breaking' going on?"  
  
"Because the world is sick."  
  
"Gotcha."}  
  
"So, Cassie finally went to bed and I sat up for a while, still drinking, until I heard someone at the door,"  
  
{"Who is it!" she called down the hall, and in her alcohol-induced state she narrowly missed the wall.  
  
"It's O'Neill."  
  
She opened the door to find a very sheepish Colonel. "Cassie forgot this." She dazed at the coat held under his arm. "Oh. Uh, thanks, she'll be moaning tomorrow if she thinks she lost it."  
  
"That's what *I* thought."   
  
"You wanna come in?"  
  
"Aren't you busy?" His surprised face glanced along the hall.  
  
"Ah, no."   
  
"Sure."}  
  
"That was my second mistake." She deepened the frown almost a wince as her head collided with her hands, muffling her voice. He'd never seen me drunk, I've always been 'Good little rule-playing Carter', and he shouldn't have seen it, not that night. He came in and I immediately put the kettle on, and then it hit me..."  
  
{"How are you doing?" He asked her casually, and propped himself up against the kitchen side with his elbows.   
  
"Okay." She lied, flinching a little, trying not to take defense at his seemingly innocent question.   
  
Then she turned, staring at him, feeling something dry and burning in his eyes that pressed on hers for an inconstant moment, she had meant to say 'Sugar?' surely? But instead, she mumbled, "Not okay." Before returning his gaze. "I uh, I miss her,"  
  
"I know. Me too." His tone, short and sharp, interrupted her sentence.  
  
"I 'm not dealing very well, and I know what to expect, I just..."  
  
"Miss her." A frank smile oddly appeared on his face, and in some strange kind of revelation, she smiled back.  
  
Then came tears, like hot ash, burning silently with every blushed breath that she took. And in a mixture of fear and dismay, Jack neared to her, not knowing quite whether to place his arms around her back, but did so anyway. He distanced himself from her during Daniel's death, and it hadn't helped, which prevented him in his mind, from repeating it this time around.  
  
But she didn't cry anymore, nor did she melt in to his embrace with a lusting conviction. On the contrary, she only stiffened even more, locking her back and losing feeling in her arms.  
  
The only contact she made was her head, which rested, lolling on his shoulder, curving with the collar of his sweater.}  
  
Daniel's eyes narrowed, as she continued.  
  
"I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do, but I was grateful in way, for the affection. I never touch him anymore, not since everything's happened. Which is so strange, because it should be normal. People do it every day, Friends, Colleagues, and Family. But with him it feels unnatural. It felt weird, like it was wrong. To my own logic any way..."  
  
{And then, her hesitation was swept away, as his heartbeat rumbled in his throat and through her ear, colliding with the rate of her own. What was this, what was she feeling...   
  
Suddenly feeling tired, and over taken by the thick, mulling toxicity that overwhelmed her brain, she closed her eyes, curling her arms around his elbows to keep herself steady.  
  
"Carter?" It had been several minutes since they'd spoken, and her chest had stopped wrenching, which only left his sweater damp where her face had been.  
  
"Oh, sorry." She smiled lightly, picking at the damp sweater on his shoulder.  
  
"It's okay." Was as he could say. Mixed up in his own mind, his face stilled, not really looking at her, but not looking away. Even though she was upset, the pale, feminine, weak side of the Carter that was looking back at him, appealed. And in a second of male dominated thoughts within his brain, he'd liked it. Hungered for it even...}  
  
Her eyes narrowed, obviously replaying the events in her head to the rhythm of her speech.  
  
"And that's when it happened."  
  
{Neither of them even took in the next few events, and how swiftly it had overcome them. In some jolt of electricity, like the flick of a switch, a rush overcame her inside, shivering through her eyes they blackened, reflecting his with the same intensity. She lifted her head, titling it as her lowered his, not noticing why she closed her eyes, drawing the most important breath of her life. It was slow, and not vicious or passionate, but simple...beautifully and affectionately simple. Her lips curved, narrowly missing the corner of his, and he could taste the salty tears that she wept before.  
  
They didn't speak, and they certainly didn't think of their events quick enough to stop. She could taste the mix of coffee, wine and tears mingling together as they collided on her tongue as it entered his mouth. She didn't wait for a breath, and panted silently, her hands traced their way to his chest, almost as an insurance against letting him overcome her. She had to protect herself, not matter how drunk and insistent he was.  
  
Finally wanting more, his thumbs sensually curved round the top of her stomach, feeling the fine hairs stand to attention, as they towards her back, wanting her nearer to him.  
  
Eyes lidded, and breath ragging, they fastened, insisting and longing, and testing the waters, holding drew nearer to tugging and-  
  
"Oh my god. Jack?" Immediately stopping, but not disconnecting, they turned to the sound of the voice of Cassie, her eyes shining and a stupid, lamb-faced grin on her lips, she looked away, putting a hand up preventing her from having to look. "Sorry. You know what? I'll have my snack later. G'night."}   
  
"Oh my god, Sam." was all Daniel could say. Anything else would have annoyed her, at this stage.  
  
So they had kissed. Know doubt, he'd expected it sooner, and in a strange admiration, he felt sorry for them. At least they had the strength to wait this long. Had he been in Jack's position, he would have found himself less able to shelve his feelings in a constant state of limbo.   
  
"And that, was mistake number three."   
  
TBC 


	2. WAR OF NERVES Part two

Title: War of Nerves 2/2  
  
Author: Athena   
  
Email: atheniandream@aol.com  
  
Content Warnings: Angst, drama, light-very-light humour  
  
Pairings: SJ  
  
Spoilers. Gen. Info on Other guys and Avenger 2.0   
  
and a certain line in divide and conquer...  
  
Season: Seven  
  
Rating: PG-13 Maybe more.  
  
Summary: The Floodgates are opening again...  
  
Author's notes: I think it's a little rushed, but I didn't want to  
  
bore you with the little details too much,  
  
Archive: Anywhere. I'm my own publicist.   
  
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING. I know this.  
  
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WAR OF NERVES 2/2  
  
-----------------------------  
  
This is for my Gramps...who is always with me...  
  
Also for Faith, Pep, Starprops, Lesley as well as a bunch o' people that kindly offered to beta...thanks ya'll  
  
And especially to Ayesha, who bust her ass coz I asked her to...you star... ;)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
His eyes steadied on her face, but he didn't speak a word. As he listened Daniel felt he were suffocating, but without the struggle. His pearly blue eyes blinked furiously to keep up with the light wind around them both.   
  
"So, anything else happen?"  
  
"Oh, it didn't stop there..." Carter explained and continued her story.  
  
{"Look, I think you should go." She couldn't face him, she daren't. Afraid that if she looked at Jack again, studied the emotions on his face she would weaken. She feared that the urge to kiss him would grow even stronger, uncontrollable.   
  
"What? No I'm not going, Carter."  
  
"Please," she pleaded with him.  
  
"Don't you think we should-"  
  
"*Please*." Her hand glided steadily around his, catching his knuckles under hers as she pleaded just silently enough with him, to leave her...}  
  
Her coat crumpled around her fingers as she clenched it tighter around her body. The cold was getting to her, lacing her lips as she laughed quietly to herself.  
  
"I guess having Cassie 'catch' us, kind of freaked me a little. It made me see how wrong it was."  
  
"Sam it's not wrong," Daniel contradicted. "Just because the Air force say it's against the rules doesn't make it wrong. It's how we're supposed to be. You were just reacting to how you felt."  
  
He had a point, she thought. However, not everything is that easy, not even by Daniel's standards. Even if he did have a knack of trying to simplify anything that came up as a challenge...  
  
"I don't know how I feel Daniel..."  
  
"Well, maybe, you should find out?" Daniel pressed the idea on to her, quietly and calmly not wanting to alert her stubbornness, but to introduce a solution into her jumbled bag of problems.  
  
The that last sentence resonated in her head...  
  
'Well, maybe you should find out?  
  
.........maybe you should find out....  
  
......you.........you should find out....  
  
Well.............find out.  
  
Maybe.'  
  
"Look, we have a mission in three hours Sam" Daniel intruded. "Talk to him then."  
  
Looking to talk about the problem and having to talk about it were two different things. Carter grimaced as she realised she wanted to execute neither action the way she was feeling. The good thing about their next mission was that it was essentially science based. With the other scientists she could lose herself analysing P4C-7DW. It had an apparently rapid daily climate change, which contradicted its constant 'Switzerland' looking locations. So, as 'an egghead' she could float off with the other eggheads and be completely at peace with herself. 'Hopefully.'  
  
She didn't come cross O'Neill in the halls of SGC and kept herself hidden in the lab, hoping to god he didn't come looking for her in the run up to the mission.   
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
"Felger! Just get through the damn gate!"   
  
The first words she heard as she entered the Gate Room were the Colonel's. He was looking worse for wear and clearly not reaping enjoyment from yet another babysitting mission. Most of it would entail watching everyone else work while he polished his gun, and that never sat well with him.  
  
Sam walked past him calmly and set the rest of her equipment on F.R.E.D. She busied herself checking the equipment and ignoring the rest of the room.   
  
"Major Carter!"   
  
She didn't even have to turn her head to know that Jay Felger was sidling up to her side. He was carrying his briefcase, which he dropped onto F.R.E.D. The same floppy dark brown hair framed his face and the gimpish smile was in evidence. She knew from past experience that he had a thing for her and that the Colonel was well aware of it. An inclination to look at the Colonel surfaced, but she resisted. 'Felger's a nice guy,' she thought, 'just a little too expressive.'  
  
"It's great to be working together again. Soldiers side by side, protecting earth in it's glorified splendour, don't cha think?"  
  
"Ah. Doctor, it's just off-world research." She tried to smile naturally at the over-exuberant man edging a little to close for her liking.  
  
"FELGER!" The Colonel's hollered at them. "Get over here. And leave Carter alone."  
  
Carter could not refrain from smiling at the constipated, loyal-dog expression on Felger's face. He smiled back at her, before moving reluctantly back to where the Colonel and Teal'c were loading up the rest of the truck.   
  
Daniel appeared and loaded his equipment along with the other scientific odd and ends, nodding towards the Colonel as he addressed Carter.  
  
"God, Jack's going to have a field day, with this lot." he said, eyeing the 15 other scientists and theorists that they were trying to get thought the gate.  
  
"Yea." Sam smiled genuinely at him, before glancing to where the Colonel was once again reprimanding Felger.   
  
"You okay?" Daniel asked.  
  
"Yea. I'm fine."  
  
The truth was that time would tell if she really was. Still, she had that little talk to have with Jack to keep her really amused. 'What fun,' Sam thought as the ordeal that was likely to be echoed through her mind.   
  
"Right. Everyone, let's move out!" the Colonel Bellowed as he shoved Felger up the ramp.  
  
Yep, definitely 'fun'.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------   
  
The evening had her figuratively screaming for her bed back home. She was worrying about Cassie again, which wasn't helping. In the end she was mentally slapping herself every time she wondered what a seventeen-year-old girl with a boyfriend might be doing. The good thing was that the General, who was already firm friends with Cassie, had promised Sam he would watch out for her. This included visits whenever Sam was off world, which soothed the anxious thoughts that rose occasionally.  
  
Rising from her sleeping bag, she quietly walked out of the 'Sg-1' tent where Daniel snored incessantly. A nod at Teal'c on watch was sufficient and she found a quiet patch of open space not far from the camp and digs sites. The Air was cool but not uncomfortable as it rose and fell with the wind that caught in her hair. She settled crossed legged on the ground and stared up at the blackness of the sky.  
  
She'd completely forgotten to talk to the Colonel during the day. Hadn't found time between keeping Felger at bay and helping to uncover the massive amount of rubble that covered what looked suspiciously like a mass burial ground. It was littered with various differing skeletons. However, now wasn't the time to think of the day's events. Now she had found time to take a solitary breather and be at one with herself-  
  
"Carter."   
  
Well, maybe not so solitary.  
  
"Sir!" She almost screamed, before realising that it wasn't Felger. She rose and took a small step back from him.  
  
"What are you doing up?" O'Neill asked.  
  
"I don't know. What are you doing up?" she responded warily.  
  
"I couldn't sleep."  
  
Through the sparking light of the campfire behind them, she spied the cut he'd gotten above his eyebrow while digging earlier. It had begun weeping again. Ignoring his words, she immediately did what she always did with her boys.  
  
"Colonel, you're..." She reached for a tissue in her pocket and it collided with his face as he frowned at her, trying to step back.  
  
"Carter, give it a rest will ya?"  
  
She grabbed hold of his arm, and tried to stem the trickle of blood running down his forehead.   
  
{At the time, she'd insisted that he go back to base and have his head checked.   
  
His response, "Oh, so they can commit me?" a normal sarcastic come back for him was softened by the addition of, "I'll be fine."   
  
So she'd bargained with him. "If it stops bleeding, and you tell me the minute you feel ill, then you can stay." Concern making her disregard his status as her superior.}  
  
  
  
"Carter, I'm fine." He gently attempted to bat her hand away. She stood looking up at him holding the tissue there for a moment longer. Her hand still rested on his arm with the palm curving round his elbow and thumb pressing the inside. For a split second his head lightened, and he rocked back on his feet. Worried that he would collapse, she wrapped her other arm around his back, drawing closer to him. The thought that if he fell she would not be able to hold him up sent her eyes back toward the camp looking for help.  
  
"I'm okay." He whispered, sucking all available air and finding his balance, his eyes squinted at her, trying to read the lines on her face...  
  
"We need to talk, Jack." She whispered, not quite looking at his face but urging him to speak to her.  
  
But he couldn't. His body felt frozen in place. He tried, but his entire body came to a complete stop. Fingers, toes, arms, legs all motionless, all he could do was breath. 'Jesus Jack, pull it together....'  
  
Pressing towards him, Sam felt her body convulse. The heat emanating from him chilled her blood, which seemed impossible. The heat creeping in the shadows of her skin a contradiction but no accident. It shone like a beacon for him to see. Burying her head into his collarbone, her eyelashes fluttering along his neck, they stood frozen.   
  
He could feel the rising heat pounding with the rhythm of his breathing, but he couldn't risk raising his arms, touching her, but her wanted to so badly. He wanted to grab at the curve between her hips and chest and pull her under him, and silence her like he'd never been able to. But like a shy child he stood motionless against her, gently rocking against gravity and mentally steadying himself.   
  
"Why is this so hard?" She asked, the sound vibrating on his throat.  
  
"I don't know. But it is." The muffled sound of his voice came from under his hand.  
  
"Don't Stop."  
  
But he had to....  
  
They had to....  
  
"One day Jack, I will die." She assured him. "And I would have spent my life avoiding everything. Bullets, knives, death...and you." She didn't have to tell him that she was right. He'd known that from the beginning, and would have been stupid not to remember it again. "It's my life, Colonel. I'll ruin it how I want to."  
  
Lowering his chin to rest on the top of her head, he couldn't help but feel old. This whole emotional disaster was aging him rapidly from the inside out. He felt that he'd been fighting, not just the Goa'uld, but Carter too. He didn't have the faintest idea why he got annoyed when she wasn't around, or why he snapped at everyone when she got injured. He was not even certain why he instinctively crept into her lab everyday to annoy her. No, that wasn't true. He did it just so she'd pry herself away from her work to take a second's interest in him. Beneath it all he did know this.   
  
He loved her.  
  
Not her smile.  
  
Not her 'Carter' driven awkwardness that he knew she'd inherited from Dad.  
  
Nor did he love her intellect and the way that she knew everything, and pouted when the comment wasn't one hundred percent true.  
  
He loved her.  
  
And because he loved her, he did the right thing.  
  
"I don't think that we can work together anymore."  
  
"I'm not leaving SG-1."  
  
"Maybe not."  
  
"And you're not leaving either." He felt her hug him tighter.  
  
"No, Carter..."  
  
She pulled away, not quite believing where his words were headed.  
  
"There has to be a way.... God, you know... I want to be happy, maybe just once. Don't I even get that?"   
  
And he couldn't help but laugh at her and the way she was yelling with her fists thrown towards the sky. She was a real nutcase when it came to it.  
  
"Carter." He warned her again, his eyes scouring the area hoping to see someone approaching, someone nearby, just so he didn't have to do this. He wasn't good at this.  
  
"I am fed up of doing what's right, damn it!"  
  
"That's what we do. We don't get happy endings, we save the day, we never get rewards and we die doing the one thing that we were meant to do. Protect."   
  
"Always a soldier..." She smiled bitterly even though he couldn't see it. "Can't we just take a chance."  
  
"Maybe." O'Neill frowned, could they take a chance?  
  
What did they have to lose in the grand scheme of things? Everything they'd made for themselves, their homes, their jobs, and their security. Then again, what they would gain was so much more appealing, more tangible, and in the long run, far more important. There would be someone there when they went home for once, someone to relate to and see the world the way they saw it. Maybe, just maybe, that was the right thing to do for once.  
  
"Let's see. And maybe we won't lose our heads."  
  
------------------------------------  
  
Several days later  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
He knew she was looking at him. And even though he was also looking at her, it felt like an intrusion into his privacy. That was, apart from the fact that he, Carter, Daniel and Teal'c were all sat on another boring world, in the middle of some damn field, enclosed by a fencing of trees that appeared to be closing in on him. As he sat there the thought ran through his mind, 'God, how many more boring, interesting, tedious planets are there out there. I'm not the only one NOT do anything much. Teal'c is watching Daniel, who is watch the most boring, lumpy, grey rock I've ever seen. And Carter is... well... watching me... and working. She's always working...'  
  
Still, in the glinting slit of the light shining through his sunglasses, he could tell. He had developed a knack for these things. Shrugging he let out a breath, pursing his lips until they opened to a yawn he could not avoid and he covered his mouth briefly with the back of his hand.  
  
"Sir?"   
  
He looked back to see Carter once again had her eyes fixed and concentrated on him.   
  
"Yes Carter?"  
  
"Nothing."   
  
He heard her mumble something incoherent as her eyes quickly flickered back to the sky. Her fingers continued to pick at the metalwork in her hands  
  
"Carter," He pressed. "Care to divulge whatever's going on in there?"  
  
She frowned, tipping her head to one side as she squinted again.   
  
'What WAS she looking at?' It was starting to annoy him. Either that or make him really, really nervous. Had he shaved this morning? Surely, he remembered to put on his shaving cream?  
  
"It's just...your hair?" She finally burst out, her hand flying out to gesture at his hair.  
  
'What the Hell? Now what?' "What?" he snapped at her.  
  
Scuffling from her place, she crawled over to where he was sat.   
  
"Well, I remember the first day I met you."  
  
"How could I forget?"  
  
He remembered. He remembered just as vividly as the last week of events that had passed by. Cause and effect, leading or proceeding to another cause, he'd remembered her say once... Then, she just grabbed a piece of his hair, and for a moment he'd actually forgotten where he was, feeling her fingers brush against his scalp.  
  
"Your hair, it was brown wasn't it?"  
  
"Uh. Yes Carter, I've not always been old," O'Neill muttered. She completely missed his comment, which served to interest him further.  
  
"Well..." She took hold of another strand.  
  
'God please let her do that again...'  
  
"It's Grey."  
  
"Thanks for noticing. And?"  
  
"Well," She drew closer to him, almost whispering. "Did you used to dye your hair?"  
  
He almost hit her at the comment. "No! You did this to my hair."  
  
"What?"   
  
"You, and your little world. It does this to me."  
  
"Jack that's not funny." Her tone warned as her brow wrinkled into a frown.  
  
He knew better than to press his luck, this not being their first verbal encounter. Suddenly and forcibly he was aware that by some strange fluke of nature and magnetic attraction they'd ended up close, to close. They sat diagonally and he felt her deep sigh lay across his face and glanced quickly behind him for signs of Daniel and Teal'c. Thank God, they were looking in another direction, so he continued.  
  
"I'm sorry. For everything, you know?"  
  
"I know. And it wasn't all you...it takes two people."   
  
He couldn't deny that. It was the two of them. Everything had been. The fights, the jibes, they were all thrown and reciprocated, as were the touches, the kisses and the shouting.  
  
And again he repeated that sentence, it seemed he'd said it so long ago.  
  
"We're okay with this?" This time though he looked as though the words were just regulation, a way out, but not from the heart. But then, in a clear state of definition, how could they be? They both knew what they wanted.  
  
"Yes Sir." She replied as she touched his hair once more, just to seal their agreement.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Yes Major?"  
  
"I love what I've done with it. The hair I mean."  
  
"Good, I like it too."  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
Darkness hid the moonlight, emptying the shadows from her bedroom and comforting her. Soothing her as evening moved on and helping her to sleep. It banished her demons from the sleep she was trying to fall into. Rarely had she been able to sleep in a comfortable bed over the last week. When she had, it was not without worry about work or deadlines or him. She dread contemplating what he was thinking right now. Carter knew all to well not to dive into his mind uninvited.  
  
Daniel had stopped asking questions. She supposed he believed that they had refused to sort out their matters for his and Teal'c sake. The truth was that he had no idea, but at least he left her and them alone. Maybe she was growing up, maybe not. Just because she was an adult, it didn't mean she was getting through the world knowing everything and analysing nothing. She didn't want to think about it. Not right now, anyway...  
  
"You're cold."   
  
The muffled sleep drenched sound came from behind her shoulder. It came accompanied by a head and soon rumbled closer to her earlobe taking quiet refuge there.   
  
"Sorry. Warm me up?"   
  
"Sure."  
  
Closing her eyes and feeling her skin burn white with his warm touch, she hoped,   
  
That it was worth it, trading into a war of nerves...  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
'Battle through this wall of nerves  
  
When your life, it takes a turn  
  
What I have is what I feel  
  
While in my mind you're lying here  
  
Fear that unholy dread  
  
There's a piece of me in all he says  
  
All kinds of weird stuff inside my head  
  
The stage freight in my own bed' ~~ 'War of Nerves' By All Saints.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
I think it's a little rushed, but I didn't want to bore you with the little details too much,  
  
Athena 


End file.
